oh dear lord shut up monkey mind

an unflattering glimpse inside my head

Last Saturday I flew to London for 24 hours. I used to fly quite a lot, once a month at least when we lived in Berlin. These last five or six years I travel far, far less. These days I’m rarely in busy places with new, different people.

I don’t know if it was my lack of travelling, lack of being around lots of people, the shortness of the trip, or just that I have an insecure monkey-mind, but I was struck by how contradictory (and superficial! and judgy!) my thoughts were during my trip. It was a fun visit to see my sisters and dad for his birthday, but dear lord my mind wouldn’t shut up. Here’s a 24 hour (pretty mortifying) glimpse into my brain.

Walking to the gate at Dublin airport:
HUMANS ARE LIKE ANTS.
There’s way too many of us.

Photo by Rob Curran on Unsplash

ALSO: it is odd we are all so clean and tidy in white shoes and very sculpted hair, especially that man in front of me on the escalator in the tight wine-coloured jumper and gold chain. He wouldn’t survive long out in the wild.

ALSO:
I’d really like to own some white runners and to always be clean and have tidy painted nails. There’s far too much muck in my life.

Queuing for coffee in Gatwick airport:
HUMANS ARE WEIRD
Those women can’t move their own lips. I’m not sure they can close their own eyes. How do they think that looks good?

And that girl’s nails are freaking me out. They are so long, how can she do anything with her hands?

ALSO: I’d like long, blowdried hair like the woman with the weird lips.

ALSO: maybe I should get botox? or one of those laser facial treatments for £300?

Walking from Victoria to Soho:
I’m fabulous and grown up and London’s fun. I love my new green runners and the way my top matches my shoes. I look super cool.

Actually I’m quite sweaty and hot and I think I look like I’m trying too hard. Matching your shoes to your top is trying way too hard.

Lying in Soho park with my sister and her boyfriend:
Definitely wearing too much green. My little sister looks like such a Londoner in her muted Muiji and Uniqlo and linen vibes. I look old.

I should get changed.

Why did I get changed and why am I now wearing a red neckerchief?

I should have moved to London for college. Maybe I’d be more interesting now if I had. Why didn’t I get into Goldsmiths?

I’m so glad I don’t live in London, I can’t wait to get home to my mucky life where I care far less about what I’m wearing.

was overly concerned with suitability of red neckerchief

Sitting in the audience watching Hamilton:
HUMANS ARE AMAZING!!!!
Look at what we can make with just our bodies and words and songs. I hope we don’t make ourselves extinct with all the messing going on. It would be a real shame, LOOK AT THE COOL STUFF WE CAN CREATE!

Driving through London at night after the show:
YES! HUMANS ARE AMAZING. Look at all the incredible buildings. THERE IS A BUILDING COVERED IN PLANTS !!

But also: It is sad that all this land is covered with concrete. Humans are definitely like ants.

Back at Victoria to catch the Gatwick Express:
WHERE ARE ALL THE HUMANS ??!!
At Boots
At M&S
At check-in, it’s all beeps and taps and computers. I want to hand my money to a human!

Going through security:
This new body scanning machine is so cool. I like how we all have to stand in front of this scanner in the same position arms awkwardly out to the side. I think it would make a really interesting dance piece, lots of bodies moving through a portal making that funny move.

Walking to passport control in Dublin airport :
I have quite good creative ideas. I think my book is tapping into something quite profound and it’s going to do really well when it is published.

Still walking to passport control in Dublin airport:
My book makes little to no sense. I’m not sure it has a narrative arc. I need to rewrite the whole thing. It’s been two weeks since I sent it to my agent. I’m pretty sure he’s just working up the bravery to tell me the same thing.

At passport control:
I’m not going to use the biometric automated turnstile. I want to hand my passport to a real human. The Irish passport control officers are always so friendly and welcoming.

Huh. That was underwhelming, he didn’t even smile.

At the Express Red carpark:
I really like my green shirt / green runner combo.