Yes, Layla! Absolutely celebrating this piece and the questions you’re asking. This part hits me right in the existential feels: ‘What if, though, we would all actually like to just stop? Give up. Even for just a little while? Step off the treadmill and spend some time sitting still, facing our demons, diving deep, so that we can, when ready, emerge and climb up on our goddam thrones.’ I mean, YES! The ONLY thing I want to do right now is step off this life hamster wheel and be with my inner demons! I totally feel there’s an energetic connection going on here. Anger and exhaustion? Oh, they’re like life force fireworks we didn’t know we had—because, let’s be honest, ‘How to handle your inner superhero energy’ was not on the school curriculum. But, as you so beautifully touch on, we’ve been busy stuffing it down, using it to meet other people’s needs, or flat-out pretending it doesn’t exist. Well, guess what? The energy has officially levelled up, and it’s demanding center stage! Bravo to you. xx
It is certainly demanding centre stage isn't it?! I am finding it fascinating this dichtomy between wanting to drop down and inwards and also feeling like there is this new creative life force bubbling inside... thanks for your comments, it definitely feels like the start of a conversation, eh?!
All the contradictory feelings! This is me and cancer too. Exhausted! Ready to LIVE! Scared! Fearless.
Damn where is the commune for women to share, rant, soothe and shake it all about?
ps, my oncologist recommended no HRT due to marginal increased risk for cancer. So basically I am back to boiling/ freezing. Furious/ zen. And also feel like my vagina/cervix/womb might all end up on the outside. Lovely! More contradictions yay! 🤪
maybe this is a commune starting right here Mel?! online not quite the same, but a good place to start perhaps?!
So many layers with the cancer and HRT etc. also to navigate ... I heard Esther Perel speak about a study that shows that HRT has been shown to be nearly 50% placebo in it's effectiveness (I'm fascinated by placebo, I think it is very valuable), so perhaps there is something in that to explore... Also I'd HIGHLY recommend the book Making Sense of Menopause for a great support through it all in a really down to earth but powerful way.
Thank you for this Layla. It has really opened my eyes to the next stage/portal of my life as a woman. There is so much to unpick here and yes all of the anger is valid but I am glad you are softening to the support. And yes to your thoughts about patriarchal fear of older women stopping to go inward and rise in their innermost power, I hope we can be within the waves of change in perception xx
softening to the support is a wonderful way to put it Lyndsay, yes. I will also say I've never felt more aligned with myself and what I want to do amongst all of the strange shifts and changes, so it does feel like a massively positive thing underneath it all :-) x
That’s amazing. I think I have begun to feel the beginnings of this alignment you speak of in motherhood, I don’t know if it is down to hormonal changes/brain changes/awakening of instinct and a lessening regard for external validation, I am delighted to hear that perimenopause/menopause brings more of this xx
I love this quote from Kristen Scott Thomas's character in Fleabag - “The menopause comes and it is the most wonderful fucking thing in the world. Yes, your entire pelvic floor crumbles and you get fucking hot and no-one cares, and then… you’re free. No longer a slave, no longer a machine, with parts. You’re just a person… It’s horrendous. But then it’s magnificent.”
When I say ‘change’ in perception I think I mean instead confirmation and recognition that women reach their full power at this stage in life, that we are seen, and that we rise into, above and beyond it xx
You so beautifully and forcefully hit the nail on the head here Layla! I was at a book club a few months ago with most of the women there talking about how exhausted and worn down they felt keeping their life's show on the road. Of course early perimenopause was mentioned. But some of them went as far as questioning whether they might be neurodivergent, so overwhelmed they felt. Not saying that neurodivergence isn't a possibility, but the whole time I was shaking my head (inwardly), thinking, 'no, you are burnt out, because, duh, patriarchy'.
totally agree with you Annette, the 'diagnosis' is so often society and its pressures. as you say, this isn't to say neurodivergence isn't possible for some of us, but actually I think so many of us are just responding sensibly to bat-shit crazy times....
Beautiful post Layla, thank you for sharing. I am 15 months postpartum and really resonating with the links you are making between childbirth and menopause. Having just experience a post-weaning rush of hormones, I am finding your transition so relatable. Thanks for bringing your authentic self here.
thanks for sharing this Caroline - I really do feel I'm working through some of the post partum lack of rest and giving in that I didn't do at the time, now. Our lives as women really are on a continuum, a spiral, not a line. really appreciate your comments L x
Hi Layla, I am angry at the patriarchy for its treatment of women, but I was long before peri. Peri did not make me angry. My most terrible symptom is low mood ie depression and the mind numbing bone aching energy sap that comes with it. I started HRT in May and I'm glad of it, I've recently gone up to a 75 mg patch and my physical symptoms have gone hooray! But the other stuff is just the same, and I'm wondering if I need testogel to deal with that. I think historically, life expectancy was so much lower that most women of the past probably never made it into menopause. Those that did are portrayed as nasty/ mean/ witches... maybe that was how their meno-rage was interpreted? Also, people of the past would have known all the right herbs, I mean our bio-identical HRT is sourced from yams! So I'm sure there would have been local plants that women used, just like they did for menstrual problems and even abortions. When I think of how my mother suffered, I'm so glad that HRT is available to me so I don't have to suffer as much as she did. Btw, my sister sailed into menopause with barely a symptom, she didn't even know until her doctor told her! Some of us have it easier than others. I'm glad your hrt is helping. But please don't feel angry about it. I for one am grateful for it. Thanks for opening up this conversation. It needs to be done. 💕
your point about women living longer is a really good one Ali, as is lost knowledge about plants etc. It does affect women differently for sure - I wonder did your sister have easy births if she had children? I'm interested in the Chinese perspective of one phase of our lives affecting the next - lack of rest and recovery post-partum, for e.g. perhaps leading to tougher menopause ... not true for everyone, but it is interesting to look at... I'm not angry at taking HRT, I think like you, my anger was present long before any peri symptoms appeared, they were just heightened by hormonal changes, brought to the surface. But I do think it is a much bigger piece than just taking HRT to 'fix' it for us. But, like you, I'm glad of it, it is making things easier for me for sure. Maybe the testogel will be helpful for you - I had a client today who has found it a massive help, and another last week also... xxx
Yes Layla! So beautifully expressed. Anger is a rational response when we carry a distortionate share of the burden of late stage capitalism. If we hold space for our own anger then maybe someone else might have to step in and handle things and then the machine grinds to a halt. I agree it's not the hormone therapy, it really does help so many women, it is what it represents. It is the mask we are asked to wear to make sure everyone else feels comfortable. Show up with a smile. It is fucking exhausting.
love this post, thank you for your honesty Layla. I too have felt an aversion to the idea of HRT (not for anyone else - for me) because I would rather go the "natural" route. But want to acknowledge how problematic the term "natural" is and my own resistance, and the trouble that rigidity has got me into previously, e.g. being wedded to a "natural" birth (again for myself) and discarding any other alternatives, even at the cost of my own wellbeing. right now I don't think I have any peri symptoms that are so problematic that I would consider HRT, but if/when that changes (I'm 42) I want to be open to it.
Yes, Layla! Absolutely celebrating this piece and the questions you’re asking. This part hits me right in the existential feels: ‘What if, though, we would all actually like to just stop? Give up. Even for just a little while? Step off the treadmill and spend some time sitting still, facing our demons, diving deep, so that we can, when ready, emerge and climb up on our goddam thrones.’ I mean, YES! The ONLY thing I want to do right now is step off this life hamster wheel and be with my inner demons! I totally feel there’s an energetic connection going on here. Anger and exhaustion? Oh, they’re like life force fireworks we didn’t know we had—because, let’s be honest, ‘How to handle your inner superhero energy’ was not on the school curriculum. But, as you so beautifully touch on, we’ve been busy stuffing it down, using it to meet other people’s needs, or flat-out pretending it doesn’t exist. Well, guess what? The energy has officially levelled up, and it’s demanding center stage! Bravo to you. xx
It is certainly demanding centre stage isn't it?! I am finding it fascinating this dichtomy between wanting to drop down and inwards and also feeling like there is this new creative life force bubbling inside... thanks for your comments, it definitely feels like the start of a conversation, eh?!
All the contradictory feelings! This is me and cancer too. Exhausted! Ready to LIVE! Scared! Fearless.
Damn where is the commune for women to share, rant, soothe and shake it all about?
ps, my oncologist recommended no HRT due to marginal increased risk for cancer. So basically I am back to boiling/ freezing. Furious/ zen. And also feel like my vagina/cervix/womb might all end up on the outside. Lovely! More contradictions yay! 🤪
maybe this is a commune starting right here Mel?! online not quite the same, but a good place to start perhaps?!
So many layers with the cancer and HRT etc. also to navigate ... I heard Esther Perel speak about a study that shows that HRT has been shown to be nearly 50% placebo in it's effectiveness (I'm fascinated by placebo, I think it is very valuable), so perhaps there is something in that to explore... Also I'd HIGHLY recommend the book Making Sense of Menopause for a great support through it all in a really down to earth but powerful way.
Definitely the start of a conversation that I'm excited to stay tuned too!
Thank you for this Layla. It has really opened my eyes to the next stage/portal of my life as a woman. There is so much to unpick here and yes all of the anger is valid but I am glad you are softening to the support. And yes to your thoughts about patriarchal fear of older women stopping to go inward and rise in their innermost power, I hope we can be within the waves of change in perception xx
softening to the support is a wonderful way to put it Lyndsay, yes. I will also say I've never felt more aligned with myself and what I want to do amongst all of the strange shifts and changes, so it does feel like a massively positive thing underneath it all :-) x
That’s amazing. I think I have begun to feel the beginnings of this alignment you speak of in motherhood, I don’t know if it is down to hormonal changes/brain changes/awakening of instinct and a lessening regard for external validation, I am delighted to hear that perimenopause/menopause brings more of this xx
Agree! Thank you for sharing, Layla. It’s so helpful for those of us coming down the path behind you.
I love this quote from Kristen Scott Thomas's character in Fleabag - “The menopause comes and it is the most wonderful fucking thing in the world. Yes, your entire pelvic floor crumbles and you get fucking hot and no-one cares, and then… you’re free. No longer a slave, no longer a machine, with parts. You’re just a person… It’s horrendous. But then it’s magnificent.”
Ohhh love the phoenix energy in that quote!
that's it!
LOVE! xx
When I say ‘change’ in perception I think I mean instead confirmation and recognition that women reach their full power at this stage in life, that we are seen, and that we rise into, above and beyond it xx
yes, totally Lyndsay
Preach Layla!! Loved listening to you reading this piece aloud - thank you for recording it 💜
it was a bit crackly, but better done than not! I actually really enjoyed reading it out loud! x
I loved hearing your doggy in the background at one point too 😆🥰
You so beautifully and forcefully hit the nail on the head here Layla! I was at a book club a few months ago with most of the women there talking about how exhausted and worn down they felt keeping their life's show on the road. Of course early perimenopause was mentioned. But some of them went as far as questioning whether they might be neurodivergent, so overwhelmed they felt. Not saying that neurodivergence isn't a possibility, but the whole time I was shaking my head (inwardly), thinking, 'no, you are burnt out, because, duh, patriarchy'.
totally agree with you Annette, the 'diagnosis' is so often society and its pressures. as you say, this isn't to say neurodivergence isn't possible for some of us, but actually I think so many of us are just responding sensibly to bat-shit crazy times....
Beautiful post Layla, thank you for sharing. I am 15 months postpartum and really resonating with the links you are making between childbirth and menopause. Having just experience a post-weaning rush of hormones, I am finding your transition so relatable. Thanks for bringing your authentic self here.
thanks for sharing this Caroline - I really do feel I'm working through some of the post partum lack of rest and giving in that I didn't do at the time, now. Our lives as women really are on a continuum, a spiral, not a line. really appreciate your comments L x
Hi Layla, I am angry at the patriarchy for its treatment of women, but I was long before peri. Peri did not make me angry. My most terrible symptom is low mood ie depression and the mind numbing bone aching energy sap that comes with it. I started HRT in May and I'm glad of it, I've recently gone up to a 75 mg patch and my physical symptoms have gone hooray! But the other stuff is just the same, and I'm wondering if I need testogel to deal with that. I think historically, life expectancy was so much lower that most women of the past probably never made it into menopause. Those that did are portrayed as nasty/ mean/ witches... maybe that was how their meno-rage was interpreted? Also, people of the past would have known all the right herbs, I mean our bio-identical HRT is sourced from yams! So I'm sure there would have been local plants that women used, just like they did for menstrual problems and even abortions. When I think of how my mother suffered, I'm so glad that HRT is available to me so I don't have to suffer as much as she did. Btw, my sister sailed into menopause with barely a symptom, she didn't even know until her doctor told her! Some of us have it easier than others. I'm glad your hrt is helping. But please don't feel angry about it. I for one am grateful for it. Thanks for opening up this conversation. It needs to be done. 💕
your point about women living longer is a really good one Ali, as is lost knowledge about plants etc. It does affect women differently for sure - I wonder did your sister have easy births if she had children? I'm interested in the Chinese perspective of one phase of our lives affecting the next - lack of rest and recovery post-partum, for e.g. perhaps leading to tougher menopause ... not true for everyone, but it is interesting to look at... I'm not angry at taking HRT, I think like you, my anger was present long before any peri symptoms appeared, they were just heightened by hormonal changes, brought to the surface. But I do think it is a much bigger piece than just taking HRT to 'fix' it for us. But, like you, I'm glad of it, it is making things easier for me for sure. Maybe the testogel will be helpful for you - I had a client today who has found it a massive help, and another last week also... xxx
Yes Layla! So beautifully expressed. Anger is a rational response when we carry a distortionate share of the burden of late stage capitalism. If we hold space for our own anger then maybe someone else might have to step in and handle things and then the machine grinds to a halt. I agree it's not the hormone therapy, it really does help so many women, it is what it represents. It is the mask we are asked to wear to make sure everyone else feels comfortable. Show up with a smile. It is fucking exhausting.
well said Valerie, it is exhausting wearing these masks at times, isn't it? x
thanks so much for sharing Jojo x
love this post, thank you for your honesty Layla. I too have felt an aversion to the idea of HRT (not for anyone else - for me) because I would rather go the "natural" route. But want to acknowledge how problematic the term "natural" is and my own resistance, and the trouble that rigidity has got me into previously, e.g. being wedded to a "natural" birth (again for myself) and discarding any other alternatives, even at the cost of my own wellbeing. right now I don't think I have any peri symptoms that are so problematic that I would consider HRT, but if/when that changes (I'm 42) I want to be open to it.