I had finally gotten to a place where I loved my body inside and out, and was looking forward to easing into my middle age. Now tomorrow, thanks to a huge cyst, I'm undergoing an operation that will remove my left ovary and I'm fearful that the body and mind it took me 34 years to love will change overnight. Your blog has been inspiring me through this and helping me stay strong.
(And I love hearing about the Cailleach. Suprisingly few people even here in Ireland know about her!)
Hi Rose, thank you so much for sharing this. I had my right ovary removed with an ectopic pregnancy about 9 years ago now. I think of my left ovary as the 'little ovary that could', my little workhorse sending me all the hormones I need as long as she manage it! ! I'll think of you tomorrow, light a candle. The love you have for your body wouldn't be removed, I feel sure of it. Your body may even give thanks it no longer has to carry the weight of the cyst anymore. Sending love L x
I hope your surgery goes smoothly. Apparently I have a huge ovarian cyst, fortunately benign, which was discovered on CT scan related to something completely different.
Such a brilliant post, and giving me much food for thought for tonight's conversation on Zoom. You've got me wanting to trawl the archives for my own body pics taken around pregnancy and post-partum, too. I'm thinking about the cartography of the body as you describe, and the way I've felt about my C-section scar this past decade and more. So much richness to discuss, and given what I'm learning about HRT as I prepare to smear the gel on my body for the first time today (!) I hope we can make space for chatting hormones and our relationship to topping up on them, too. Can't wait!
Oh wow Layla, this is so courageous and vulnerable and powerful! Thank you. I resonate with so much of it: the reclaiming of my body (and my time) now that it's not needed to grow little people anymore, and from the male gaze now too. I also feel stronger and more at home in my body than ever, and, you guess it, wild swimming has had everything to do with it. It is what has pushed me to my wild and unruly edge, after much of life as I knew it fell apart in the cauldron of transformation that was covid.
There is something so powerful about the connection the water brings - I chatted about this with Easkey on our water call too... I can't wait to share it with you! x
After the double whammy of covid and chemotherapy a couple of years ago I found I couldn’t hike at the level I was used to any more. My stamina and confidence had gone and it kicked off a grieving process I’m still adjusting to. My husband took up running and it quickly became an obsession. At first I resented it, but now I go along when he travels around to events. He enjoys the moral support and I wander off, enjoy nature, journal and meditate. It seems to be working pretty well for us.
I had a hysterectomy many years ago after severe vaginal prolapse. More significant for me, I think, has been the recent experience of breast cancer. I was lucky to avoid a mastectomy. But it think there is a lot left unsaid about the way your body feels after cancer treatment. It’s almost a taboo because you feel so lucky to have survived. I’ve found the oestrogen blockers I have to take for 10 years have aged me in all kinds of ways - dry eyes, far more muscular aches and pains, fatigue and just a general feeling that I’ve jumped from late middle age to elderhood. I’ve had to pace myself in a completely different way, and the dreaded brain fog has been quite a trial.
These are such good points Miranda - not having permission to feel bad anymore… Mel who writes My Lovely Lungs here on Substack about her cancer and is a member of this community too (I don’t know why I can’t tag her in this comment!! Writes with great nuance about her experiences you might like to follow xx
Recently, someone asked me what one thing I’d choose to take if stranded on a desert island. I answered without hesitation, my HRT. In my case, HRT gave me back my life and self. Thank you for your thoughtful vulnerable journey
in deep admiration of your willingness to be kind and listen to what’s right for you now. also went back and read your octopus womb piece which i loved at the time. it’s just spectacular 🙌🏽
Loved this piece and gutted I missed the live session last night due to a sick child. I’ve been looking at selfies I took in my pregnancies recently too, and marvelling at my c-section scar and stretch marks. It’s so hard almost 9 years later to remember how it physically felt to be heavily pregnant. And the joy of reclaiming my body for me now my kids are older and childbearing is over. It’s strength training rather than wild swimming for me (the delight in surprising delivery drivers by being able to carry boxes they say are too heavy never gets old!)
I find it hard too to imagine m yes elf carrying my children now…
I’ll share the recording of the live in the morning when my brain is less mush. Lindsay has already shared over in her page if you want to grab tonight !
Beautiful exploration of the cartographies of our bodies, Layla. It brings up memories of my before, after & during pregnancy transformation! What great photograph of you on your hike!
Personally Layla I think you put yourself back together brilliantly . Lovely pictures too and I love your ink btw . On the ink , I got my one and only tat for my 60th two years ago , a honey 🍯 bee 🐝 and Akebia quinata flower from my garden . Keep doing what you are doing so well 👏👏🌹🌹🌹💚🇮🇪🏳️🌈. Derek 🌹🌹
This is such a beautiful ode to your body, and I love the consideration of the cartography of my body over 40 years of journeying in it, I can’t wait to listen to the call. X
Thank you for writing this, Layla.
I had finally gotten to a place where I loved my body inside and out, and was looking forward to easing into my middle age. Now tomorrow, thanks to a huge cyst, I'm undergoing an operation that will remove my left ovary and I'm fearful that the body and mind it took me 34 years to love will change overnight. Your blog has been inspiring me through this and helping me stay strong.
(And I love hearing about the Cailleach. Suprisingly few people even here in Ireland know about her!)
Hi Rose, thank you so much for sharing this. I had my right ovary removed with an ectopic pregnancy about 9 years ago now. I think of my left ovary as the 'little ovary that could', my little workhorse sending me all the hormones I need as long as she manage it! ! I'll think of you tomorrow, light a candle. The love you have for your body wouldn't be removed, I feel sure of it. Your body may even give thanks it no longer has to carry the weight of the cyst anymore. Sending love L x
Thank you, that means a lot... 'The little ovary that could' raised a smile!
I hope your surgery goes smoothly. Apparently I have a huge ovarian cyst, fortunately benign, which was discovered on CT scan related to something completely different.
Thank you, I hope all goes well with yours
Such a brilliant post, and giving me much food for thought for tonight's conversation on Zoom. You've got me wanting to trawl the archives for my own body pics taken around pregnancy and post-partum, too. I'm thinking about the cartography of the body as you describe, and the way I've felt about my C-section scar this past decade and more. So much richness to discuss, and given what I'm learning about HRT as I prepare to smear the gel on my body for the first time today (!) I hope we can make space for chatting hormones and our relationship to topping up on them, too. Can't wait!
SO much to talk about Lindsay! it's going to be so rich...
Looking forward to hearing how it feels to apply that gel this evening. Will you make a wee ritual out of it I wonder?
Well. Let's see if the pharmacy get in touch to tell me they've got it in first 😳
Oh wow Layla, this is so courageous and vulnerable and powerful! Thank you. I resonate with so much of it: the reclaiming of my body (and my time) now that it's not needed to grow little people anymore, and from the male gaze now too. I also feel stronger and more at home in my body than ever, and, you guess it, wild swimming has had everything to do with it. It is what has pushed me to my wild and unruly edge, after much of life as I knew it fell apart in the cauldron of transformation that was covid.
Thanks Annette,
There is something so powerful about the connection the water brings - I chatted about this with Easkey on our water call too... I can't wait to share it with you! x
After the double whammy of covid and chemotherapy a couple of years ago I found I couldn’t hike at the level I was used to any more. My stamina and confidence had gone and it kicked off a grieving process I’m still adjusting to. My husband took up running and it quickly became an obsession. At first I resented it, but now I go along when he travels around to events. He enjoys the moral support and I wander off, enjoy nature, journal and meditate. It seems to be working pretty well for us.
I love that it grown into something you can both enjoy ✨
I had a hysterectomy many years ago after severe vaginal prolapse. More significant for me, I think, has been the recent experience of breast cancer. I was lucky to avoid a mastectomy. But it think there is a lot left unsaid about the way your body feels after cancer treatment. It’s almost a taboo because you feel so lucky to have survived. I’ve found the oestrogen blockers I have to take for 10 years have aged me in all kinds of ways - dry eyes, far more muscular aches and pains, fatigue and just a general feeling that I’ve jumped from late middle age to elderhood. I’ve had to pace myself in a completely different way, and the dreaded brain fog has been quite a trial.
These are such good points Miranda - not having permission to feel bad anymore… Mel who writes My Lovely Lungs here on Substack about her cancer and is a member of this community too (I don’t know why I can’t tag her in this comment!! Writes with great nuance about her experiences you might like to follow xx
Oh hello! Here’s me! Our bodies. Ourselves.
Recently, someone asked me what one thing I’d choose to take if stranded on a desert island. I answered without hesitation, my HRT. In my case, HRT gave me back my life and self. Thank you for your thoughtful vulnerable journey
I’m so glad you got that support Eliza!
in deep admiration of your willingness to be kind and listen to what’s right for you now. also went back and read your octopus womb piece which i loved at the time. it’s just spectacular 🙌🏽
Aw thank Chloe, it is a work in progress I must say… I’m really interested in your thoughts around rest, I think I’ve a lot to learn…. X
Loved this piece and gutted I missed the live session last night due to a sick child. I’ve been looking at selfies I took in my pregnancies recently too, and marvelling at my c-section scar and stretch marks. It’s so hard almost 9 years later to remember how it physically felt to be heavily pregnant. And the joy of reclaiming my body for me now my kids are older and childbearing is over. It’s strength training rather than wild swimming for me (the delight in surprising delivery drivers by being able to carry boxes they say are too heavy never gets old!)
I love the lifting boxes image Ellen!
I find it hard too to imagine m yes elf carrying my children now…
I’ll share the recording of the live in the morning when my brain is less mush. Lindsay has already shared over in her page if you want to grab tonight !
Looking forward to catching up on the recording tomorrow ❤️
Beautiful exploration of the cartographies of our bodies, Layla. It brings up memories of my before, after & during pregnancy transformation! What great photograph of you on your hike!
Yes it’s quite something looking back on the photos of pregnancy, after & before. How I felt then, & how I look to myself now…
Your bath photograph reminded me of this remarkable picture:
http://www.ithellcolquhoun.co.uk/scylla.htm#:~:text=In%20legend%2C%20Scylla%2C%20a%20beautiful,and%20arch%20inward%20above%20it.
She’s a very interesting artist - a Surrealist with strong connections to Ireland and the far west of Cornwall, where she lived for many years
I will have to look in to her more, so interesting, thanks for sharing Miranda
What a remarkable picture Miranda, yes, thankyou for sharing! Reminds me of a spot in west of Ireland, too.
Personally Layla I think you put yourself back together brilliantly . Lovely pictures too and I love your ink btw . On the ink , I got my one and only tat for my 60th two years ago , a honey 🍯 bee 🐝 and Akebia quinata flower from my garden . Keep doing what you are doing so well 👏👏🌹🌹🌹💚🇮🇪🏳️🌈. Derek 🌹🌹
Bee 🐝 and flower 🌷 = ✨
Thank you for sharing the scars, the jigsaw puzzle of your body that you are piecing together. It is you and you are it. Or should that be she?
Either way, remarkable us in this world. On that hill. 💚💫🤸🏽
This is such a beautiful ode to your body, and I love the consideration of the cartography of my body over 40 years of journeying in it, I can’t wait to listen to the call. X